*Disclaimer #1: For anyone who was directed here because you were googling “stimulation” or “fantasies”, this is not what you are looking for. Seriously, you are looking for erotica or porn. No judgment, we all want what we want, but “this ain’t it” 😉 Capishe!
Disclaimer #2: This article would have been very different 7 years ago before I met the hubs or 3 1/2 years ago when I had my daughter. I may have not needed the first disclaimer 😉
Disclaimer #3. I love my daughter. She is the love of my life. I actually do miss her when I am away from her, but just because I love my daughter does not mean that I need to be with her all the time. Being a mom is very important to me, but I am not “just a mother”. I am lots and lots of other things.
Welcome to my fantasies.
I want a vacation. Me, alone or with the people of my choosing. A soft bed to sleep in and ALL the covers. TV off. I want to read a book and doze.
I want to be stimulated. Intellectually… Spiritually… Socially… A day at the museum, dinner with a gaggle of friends, a heart-felt conversation, an intriguing new perspective, some laughs. A few moments of solace and beauty to reflect and express my gratitude, with a dash or two of people-watching for good measure and plenty of time to marinate in my daydreams.
I want to explore and to be exposed to new things.
I want “browse” to be part of my vocabulary.
I want to be home sick where I can sleep late and take care of myself, how I see fit. Put my needs first.
I want to clean out my closet/dresser, without interruption or the contents being strewn across the house/lawn/car.
I want to eat meals where crayons are not served as a side dish. Where I can take my time, taste my food, have a drink and not rush or feel like I am the lone tire track on the bumper car ride. One where I can hold down a conversation, if I wish.
I want to be a better friend. Someone who can listen, without distraction or interruption. A person who follows up on how you are doing. Surprises you with a little pick-me-up. I want to be the better friend I was. I liked her. I want to be free of the self-imposed guilt of knowing I haven’t called in a while because I’ve not had any privacy or time. I want to feel like what I have to bring to the conversation is more than just bitching about the hubs or bragging about my kid. I want more friends. I was unprepared how lonely it could be as a wife and mom.
I know why I feel this way. The last time I had a day off, I used it to testify in Congress for equal pay for women. That was in May. It is mid-October. (The crushing truth, it didn’t pass and just as I was entering the chamber to share my story, all full of hope, pride and excitement, I got a panicked text from the hubs about a rash my daughter had.
- I couldn’t even make this up.
Obviously, I was concerned about my daughter, but I just needed a moment when it wasn’t “on me” to fix everything. All I could think was, “you don’t even take my advice, so why are you stepping on my one moment to do something that isn’t about you“).
Before that, I’m sure there was a time when the hubs was away before her premature arrival. But that was 3 and a half years ago.
It’s time. I’m ready to pack a bag.
I want to remember who I am, before I lose her.